silver179's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *sigh* I care about him. But I don't know if it's more than that. I like spending time with him. We have fun. But do I care about him in the way I'm "supposed to". I'm ambivalent towards kissing. It's never been that have to kiss or I'm going to explode thing. With any guy I've been with. It's just been something that's happened. I just... fuck. Why the fuck do I do this to myself? Why the fuck can't I just realize what I feel without overanalyzing and thinking. 'Cause that's what I do when kissing. My brain can't even shut up then. I'm always thinking about what I should be doing or feeling or whatever. I'm scared that I'm just settling for what I know I can get. Scared that I'm settling for Mike, scared that I'm settling for Waco. I don't want to end up like my mother, 40 years old and completely unhappy with the choices I've made. Things are just... too loud in here tonight. And I don't feel anything. At all. Emotions are just... gone right now. What I need is to just get drunk and think on it. Because I do my best, clearest thinking drunk. Well, not drunk, but pleasantly buzzing. 3:32 am - Sunday, Aug. 01, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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